Tuesday, November 16, 2010

So it's Tuesday...

Today is another one of those days…an interview day. But today’s interview has been haunting me since I was called about it just last week. Because this interview, is with a place who told me I, “wasn’t right,” and the interview was over in 5 minutes flat. So you know that saying, “fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me,” I’m wondering if I’m going to be shamed tonight.
But, I have to follow my own advice, and I always say to push on because if I don’t, then I will never know. I want to know why I am being called back. Was it my e-mail that told them we all start out new at one point but that doesn’t mean we aren’t qualified? Did they re-look at my resume when they realized I was the only one in a suit? Call my references? So in the words of many “when you look good you feel good,” I got the new suit, I bought some nice heels, and I’m doing my hair. This interview is like when a guy breaks up with you, and then says he was wrong. Well, that’s what I want it to be like at least.
Although there is all of the confusion, it is still an interview, and as much as part of me wants them to say how wrong they were to dismiss me the way they did, I’m still the one “fighting” to show my worth. It’s been great to focus on this other interview because I haven’t been obsessing over the other job I’m waiting to hear back about. Obviously I check my e-mail every hour on the hour, waiting for the possibility that I will be receiving a rejection via the world wide web. When my phone rings my stomach drops until I see the number, which then leads to slight relief and also disappointment when I realize this isn’t a job offer. Wondering if they offered the job to someone else first who they are waiting to hear back from first before they tell me that I did not make the cut.
Disappointments and rejections are what I’m always prepared for with the trends of the last almost 10 months of applying for jobs now, so as usual I am pushing forward on my search instead of standing still waiting to find out, that yet again, I’m taking home the silver metal. But am I ruining my chances by not focusing all of my energies on one offer, that the phone will ring with good news?! I don’t think so. I have to think about the possible, “yes we want you to work with us,” but also just in case, the search continues. I have completed my tests with an agency, but I have not done the step where I send them the jobs that interest me from their database, I guess I am still holding out hope.
But even more, what if the phone did ring with good news? Would I even know how to react? Even writing this my thoughts are dancing with “what ifs”, and how extremely embarrassing this could all turn out, because I will have to tell you about all of the impending rejections, if they become rejections! Every other day I put it out there. The interviews, the lack of interviews, the online applications, the lack of money, lack of control, the judgments, sometimes this blog feels like that dream when you are in your underwear in front of the whole school. Yes, it is me airing the “dirty laundry” of sorts, but I want it to be okay to talk about the fact that this is a struggle for many of us, and that’s okay. Struggles can be really good for you too.
So today we fight another day. I wait for a phone call about the previous set of interviews I went on, I prepare for a second interview tonight, and with everything I do, I know I’m doing it for the ultimate goal of the future. So even when the patches are rough, even when you feel like you have no control over the outcome, if you keep pushing forward, that is control. You are going out and continuing the process because you have the control to do that, never feel helpless because you aren’t.

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