Rejection

Looking around our little apartment, which we have obviously out grown, I can’t help but feel guilty like it’s my entire fault we are still here. Yesterday I received another rejection, and although on the outside I may take them better, on the inside I am crushed. Not because I wanted the job, but because I wanted to help make our situation better.

I look at my husband, and I feel horrible for him. He doesn’t deserve this. When we met he thought I was independent and strong willed, who knew that strong will would bite him in the butt?! He feels like every time I talk about the future it’s a demand of what I want now, and then I feel like he is angry at me for thinking about a future when I should be focused on the present...a present that kind of sucks after another rejection! It’s hard to feel like you are failing the ones you love when they always seem to succeed for you.

Even though my husband would never say that I let him down since he tells me how proud he is of all I accomplished, deep down inside he is overwhelmed with the stress of having to support his little family. I get so upset because I feel like I am defending myself, my actions and I shouldn’t have to do that. But, he shouldn’t have to pay for the college education that I wanted either, so life isn’t fair. It’s a painful circle of events when I look at how hard he “gets” to work, and I am not given that same opportunity.    

Today is one of those days where no matter what I say, I won’t be right. You know that day when you woke up in a pretty decent mood, maybe even sang in the shower, and then BAM out of nowhere a friend is angry because you jokingly said something in front of someone you weren’t supposed to bring up and now there is a rift in the trust? Or one of those days when your boss asks, “when did we start doing it this way,” to something you were taught to do that way a year ago and all along you have been doing it wrong? Or one of those days when you go to take money out of the ATM but your check isn’t going to clear until Tuesday…Tuesday but its Saturday?! I think you get the point, you didn’t see it coming, but it’s here all the same.

I’ve learned that some things are worth fighting, and other things aren’t worth the effort so you just walk away from them. Rejection isn’t something that I fight, it’s something that I question at times, but fight no. I fight for people to understand my position, or I fight for someone to know that I’m more than words on a resume, but I can’t change what people think of me by words alone, and interviews that last but 5-15 minutes there isn’t much hope for an epiphany. But when I see how my husband can’t enjoy anything without thinking of the consequences, such as the time it costs, the money, the effect later, that’s when the rejections weighs on me the hardest.

So what do you do when you feel like giving up? Try harder. Make phone calls, and tweak that resume. It’s okay to take a break if everything is the same out there. Enjoy the holidays as much as you can! And most of all, enjoy the things you have, because later when you look back at this time in your life who knows you might just remember those as the good times.