The lesson of values

It is really easy to feel guilty about enjoying yourself when you feel like you didn’t do anything to deserve it. For example, you don’t feel like you deserve new clothes, when you don’t have the money to pay for them. You don’t feel like you should go out to eat a nice dinner, because now it feels like it’s a waste. All of a sudden things that you always did for enjoyment, no, the things you did as a reward, now become wasteful, as if you don’t deserve them.

As children our parents teach us the value of a dollar. Society reinforces the correct/lawful ways to earn that dollar. That is the way to make your family proud. But that is also how you get to reward yourself for all of your hard work. The harder you work, that larger the ultimate pay out. That is how we are raised at least, but when things don’t turn out the way you have always been told they would usually the hardest critic is yourself.

It is amazing how your priorities change, and how you have to force yourself to enjoy these now indulgent acts, which were once just part of your life. No one has bought me my clothing since I was old enough to work. And the satisfaction I used to get from buying a new outfit has now been taken to a level of guilt. Something I had once earned, is now something that I have to take. I hope this is something that I never get used to.

At the beginning of the summer I had served on Federal jury duty. It actually paid me quite well, and since I had done it for 2 weeks, I had enough money to buy myself some clothes for the summer. It was the best day. I bought all of the things I had been needing but didn’t want to ask for. It was such a huge relief, and it reminded me of how I used to feel. Like I deserved it, because I worked for it. It’s a shame that when you are unemployed, or even under-employed, that you are made to feel like a burden from society. The same things our parents taught us as values come to haunt us. The idea that the value of hard work pays off and will better you but realizing that might not be the case, or the thought that earning your keep all of sudden is not possible. Now those values haunt me because no matter how high my grades, or how hard I ever worked, that has not helped to secure me a paycheck so I can have the joy of buying myself a reward and truly enjoying the fruits of my labor.   

But, because I am a hopeless optimist, I know that in the end the system does work. That the right job is out there, and it’s all a matter of time and persistence. Until then, I have local jury duty coming up, maybe then I can buy lunch!